Strippergician
by Olofa
Summary: Elsa's throwing a bachelorette party for Rapunzel & Megara, and hired Anna, a magician-stripper, as entertainment. Things get entertaining, until a card trick seems to go a little off the rails. More crack than the Liberty Bell. Modern!au, no powers, not related. Seeds of elsanna planted. Tons of Disney Princess cameos. h/t to ahallister·tumblr·com for the original story idea.
1. Chapter 1

Elsa sat in a comfortable leather armchair, nursing her drink and letting the noise of conversation wash over her as she watched her friends partying and getting silly. Her apartment hardly ever felt this crowded, but then she hardly ever entertained. She had agreed to throw Rapunzel's and Megara's bachelorette party, and she was glad she did, after all. As much as she felt like she was on the edge of things, she loved being around her friends, seeing them being happy.

Some were rather happier than usual. Snowy had gotten into the appletinis - or they had gotten into her - and was swordfighting with Mulan, Snow armed with a yardstick and Mulan with a baguette. Elsa closed her eyes and reminded herself that broken knick-knacks could be replaced but friends couldn't. Ariel was listening raptly to Jane's travel stories and pretending she wasn't flirting shamelessly. Aurora was nodding off on the couch.

Elsa stopped Tiana as she walked past carrying a tray. "Tiana?"

"Yes?"

"Could you hand me those snacks please?"

"Sure." As Tiana bent down to offer, Elsa took the entire tray and set it on the table beside her.

Taking Tiana's wrist, Elsa said, "Now stop it. Please. You're not working tonight, you're a guest."

"I just…"

"Relax. Have fun. That's an order." She smiled up into those beautiful dark eyes.

"Like you're having fun?"

"I am. This is…my kind of fun."

"If you say so." Tiana smiled back, shrugged, and walked off to introduce the new girl from work, Moana, to some of the others.

There was a knock at the door. Belle gave up trying to get a Cards Against Humanity game going and asked, "Elsa? Should I get that?"

"Please," said Elsa, and waved her towards the door.

Through the door burst a vibrant, cheerful redhead carrying a satchel. She was dressed in a sexy feminized version of a stage magician's get-up, wearing a shimmering blue-black swallowtail jacket with matching top hat, white shirt unbuttoned to the sternum, a vest cut low enough to curve completely under her breasts, and short-shorts under the garter belt holding up her stockings. "Ladieees and…more ladies! It is I, The Magnificent Anna, and they don't just call me that for my magical powers." She tipped her hat and gyrated her hips. "Now, where's the lucky couple?"

Punzy giggled as she buried her face in Meg's shoulder. Meg turned to Elsa and asked, "What the hell?"

"You wanted a stripper, Punzy wanted an entertainer," Elsa shouted over the hubbub. "I found Arendelle's best - and only - stripper-magician."

"That's _strippergician_ to you!" announced Anna. She spotted the bachelorettes. "And you are?"

"I'm Megara, and this is my Punzy."

Anna put a hand on each of their shoulders. "Hello, Mypunzy." She leaned in and gave Punzy a kiss on the cheek, leaving a perfect lipstick imprint. Meg gave her a challenging glare. "What? Too much? I can fix that." She passed her hand over Punzy's cheek and the kiss-print vanished. Then she patted Meg's cheek, and the perfect print was transferred there. "All better."

Rapunzel looked at Meg's cheek and giggled. "What?" said Meg, as Punzy took out a tissue, licked it, and cleaned Megara's cheek.

Anna leaned towards Meg, throwing her shoulders back and making her breasts strain against the white satin. "You could kiss me and we'd be even." Meg scowled, but (bending to Punzy's imploring gaze) she kissed Anna on the cheek. As she did so, Anna's hat flipped off her head.

Anna caught her hat, saying, "Good kisser!" to Punzy with a conspiratorial eyebrow-waggle. "And in gratitude, something I think every beautiful woman deserves." She reached into her hat and pulled out a slender seven-inch vibrator, offering it to Meg. Before Meg could take it, Anna flicked her wrist and it turned into a bouquet of silk flowers. "I lose more magic wands that way," said Anna to the crowd as Meg took the bouquet.

Anna's performance continued amid laughter and occasional gasps, losing an article of clothing with each trick, either as part of the illusion or as a reward to her volunteer. She had Snow pull the old "endless string of scarves" out of her sleeve…until it stuck. Snow sat with a lap full of colourful cloth, laughing hopelessly. "Okay," said Anna, "on the count of three, don't be bashful, give it a good hard tug."

"That's what she said!" shouted Mulan, who was promptly shushed.

"One, two, three!" Snow yanked the rope of scarves, and it came free. At the end of it was Anna's blouse.

She came towards Elsa, then abruptly veered off to select Jane as a volunteer to wear a strap-on as Anna demonstrated the Magic Guillotine. "Much funnier with an actual penis," Anna commented. She cut through her garter belt straps and magically restored them. Then she had Tiana and Aurora (who had perked up) do the same, but this time the magic didn't work and so she lost her stockings. Anna continued until she was down to nothing but her panties. "Well, looks like I'm about done."

"No! One more trick! Take it all off!" hollered Merida.

Anna made a hushing gesture. "Please! Please. I have my standards. I'm a strictly PG-13 strippergician. You get these…" She leaned forward and gave her breasts a little jiggle. "…and these…" She turned around and gave her own bottom a playful smack. "…but you don't get the Full Houdini." To a chorus of disappointed moans, she sighed and said, "Okay, one more trick."

She reached into her satchel and removed a deck of cards. She fanned them out to the audience, showing that it was a legitimate deck, then turned to Rapunzel. "Pick a card."

Megara snorted. "Pick a card? Your encore is a card trick?"

"I'm _very_ good at it."

"That's what she said," shouted Mulan again.

Megara gave a huge fake yawn.

"All right," said Anna, pouting. "I'll make it interesting. If I don't guess her card after three tries, I'm yours. Totally naked - " She paused for the hooting to die down. "Totally naked and totally yours. To do with what you will. One last pre-wedding fun time."

"You're on."

Punzy glared at Megara in hurt surprise. "What? Why…?"

Megara cooed back, "It's okay. She can't mess up a simple card trick in three tries. I just want to make her sweat a little."

Temporarily mollified, Rapunzel drew a card.

"Now show it to everyone but me," said Anna, covering her eyes. Punzy showed everyone the Queen of Hearts. _Appropriate_ , thought Elsa. _For the brides-to-be, I mean._

Punzy returned the card to the deck. Anna shuffled the deck with exaggerated movements, then drew a card. "Is… _this_ your card?" Punzy chuckled, and Anna looked at the card she drew. It wasn't a playing card at all. It was one of Anna's business cards. "Oopsie!" Anna pulled more business cards from the deck, distributing them at random to the partygoers.

"That's one," said Megara with a smirk.

Anna almost handed a card to Elsa. "Nope, you still have one, right?" Elsa nodded. "To remember me by. How sweet," said Anna with a smile, loud enough for Elsa but not for the room, and took off off before Elsa could explain.

With a flourish, Anna shuffled the cards again. "Is…this your card?"

"No!" laughed Rapunzel. Anna showed the card to her audience. It was the 3 of clubs, but it featured a cheesecake photo of Anna. She distributed more cards to the partygoers from what had now transformed into a deck of 1950s style "dirty playing cards" starring Anna in different poses. She slipped one more from the deck, walked up to Elsa. "May I?" she said, and slipped it into the breast pocket of Elsa's blouse without waiting for a reply.

Megara's smirk spread into a slightly wicked grin. "That's two," she said, holding up a pair of fingers.

Anna gave her a challenging smile. She gave the cards a businesslike shuffle, bit her bottom lip as she riffled through them. " _This_ is your card," she said, showing the King of Spades to Rapunzel.

Megara's eyes went wide, then narrowed, as Rapunzel covered her gasp with her hand. "Um, no," said Punzy. "Not…exactly."

Anna looked at the card's face, her brows furrowed. She showed it to the audience. "This is it, right?"

The crowd shook their heads or murmured "No". Elsa thought of standing up and insisting that it was the right card to try to help Anna out, but she knew she'd be outnumbered. And she didn't want to make the party any worse by feuding with her guests. She wracked her brain trying to find a way to help Anna, who had a blush spreading from her cheeks down to her upper torso. A traitorous corner of Elsa's mind enjoyed seeing that pink glow spread down towards Anna's soft, undeniably shapely breasts, and anticipated how far Megara would take their bet. Elsa scowled at her own wayward thoughts.

"You don't have to do this," said Punzy.

"No. A deal's a deal." Anna inhaled sharply, then held her breath until she was in control of her voice. "I am a woman of my word. Besides, it's not…anything…any of the other strippers haven't done, right?"

"Stripper _gician,_ " muttered Elsa under her breath. She grabbed her jacket by the collar, ready to wrap it around Anna when she got the opening.

Anna hooked her thumbs in her gold lamé panties and crouched down as she slid them down her legs, curling herself up, covering herself as best she could. She happened to be facing away, so her pert buttocks were pointed directly at Elsa, shifting as she squirmed out of her last article of clothing.

"Oh, all right," said Megara. "You've made your point. Forget about it."

"No," said Anna, her voice shaking as she stayed crouched before her new masters. "I'm totally naked and totally yours, just as I promised. To do with as you will."

"That's not right," said Elsa, standing and tensing herself to jump in and intervene.

Anna's voice, once sassy and confident, was now meek and soft. "But before you…before…" She looked up at Rapunzel. "I have just one thing to ask. If I may, of course."

"Of course," said Punzy.

Anna suddenly stood up straight and bold, hands on her hips. Her red pubic hair was shaved neatly into a heart, and to its left was drawn a letter Q in red makeup. "Is… **this** your card?"


	2. Chapter 2

In an instant the room was filled with laughter, shouts, gasps, and applause, and then by the driving bass beat coming from the stereo stashed in Anna's satchel. Anna danced, carefree in her nudity, teasingly close to Punzy (who was flustered, covering her face with her hands but peeking through her fingers) and Megara (who pretended to be above it all, but was clearly and unexpectedly out of her element). Anna was sexy but never vulgar, and the partygoers gradually joined in the dancing as if one of their number was not a stark-naked redhead with a dusting of freckles on her creamy and exposed skin.

Well, most of the partygoers. Elsa still stood, holding her jacket to her chest. She drifted back to her armchair and perched on one of the arms. The song ended, Anna bowed to her admirers, bowing particularly long and deeply as she was facing away from Elsa.

Elsa stared for a moment, then quickly looked away. She fumbled with the remote on the side table and turned on her party mix playlist, keeping up the momentum of the party. And hoping that Anna would keep dancing? No, of course not. That would be…inappropriate. Anna was an employee. Anna was…

walking over to sit on the other arm of Elsa's armchair, smiling casually. "Oh, sorry. You don't mind? A naked and slightly sweaty girl sitting on the furniture?"

"It's Scotchgarded," blurted Elsa, and wished she could vanish into the cushions of the chair like that cat in the video Snow had forwarded to her the other day.

"Yeah, I saw that video," said Anna. "It was cute."

"Oh, that was out loud. Sorry," said Elsa. "Would you like to…?" She offered Anna her jacket.

"Do you _want_ me to cover up?" Anna gestured at her own naked body. Elsa looked up and down at Anna, seriously considering the question. _Do I want to keep lo_ _oking at her? She's so beautiful. Oh fuck, I'm staring like a pervert. Because I am a pervert. Oh god it's been so long_ _since I've been with anyone_ _._ _But s_ _he's okay with this. It's her job. And she's not uncomfor_ _t_ _able. Yet. I hired her, I can stare if I want to,_ _right?_ _Jesus fuck, that's creepy. But am I judging her for her job? Oh goddamn fucking fuckity fuck on a fuck cracker. That shaved heart. It's so pretty. And tidy._ _I love_ _attention to detail. And it looks so soft. It would feel so soft. I wish I could stroke her gently, letting the hair graze against the backs of my fingers, not actually touching her. Not at first. Jeez, now I'm staring at her crotch! Maybe if I give her a big tip she won't tell anyone. Stay cool. Don't let it show. What is wrong with me? I mean, besides not getting laid since…oh fuck don't even think about it._

Anna waited patiently for Elsa to form a sentence, then gently took the jacket and slipped it on. "There. Now we can have a conversation."

"I'm sorry."

"Hey, no biggie." The casual smile faded as Anna leaned towards Elsa and lowered her voice. "Listen. I get it. You've never hired a…someone like me, and here I am in your home, and you don't know what to do. It's okay. It's awkward. I'm used to being awkward."

"You?"

"This thing I do. It's an act. I mean literally. It's all scripted. In the real world, without my props and my storyline, I'm actually kind of a dork."

"It's all scripted? Even that last part?" Elsa facepalmed. "Of course. You shaved your… I mean, you were prepared. You had to have done that ahead of time." Anna nodded, smiling proudly. "But it seemed so real."

"Thank you." Anna bowed in recognition. Carefully, since she was perched on the arm of a leather armchair.

"I mean, you were blushing with embarrassment."

"You must've been watching very closely." Anna smirked. "Actually, I didn't realize I was blushing. But it wasn't with embarrassment." She read Elsa's baffled expression. "I was thinking of all the things that might happen if I actually _was_ , as I said, 'totally naked and totally yours.' "

"Totally Meg's and Punzy's, you mean. Right?"

"No, not necessarily." Anna's smirk turned into a genuine smile. "I want to thank you for being ready to jump to my defence. It was very sweet and brave of you. It was an act for me, but it wasn't for you, and I want you to know I take that seriously. You're a good person."

Elsa was unnerved by Anna's direct gaze. She cleared her throat. "So, how did you get into being a…um…"

"Magician? Or stripper?"

"Uh, magician," said Elsa, a little too loud and too sudden.

Anna shifted on her perch, sliding back so she could lean on the chair back, her legs curled up, her bare feet on the chair's cushion. "Ooh, warm. You get surprisingly cold getting naked. Thanks for warming it up for me." She wiggled her toes on the soft leather. "Anyway. I was a little girl and my parents took me to a magic show. 'The Unbelievable Weseltoni and Susan.' It was a real throwback. Guy in a tux, female assistant in a gold lamé one-piece and fishnet stockings. In retrospect it was kind of cheesy, but I was just fascinated. I wanted to be up on that stage, doing what that guy was doing. So I studied and practised, and I got pretty good. Then I discovered a couple of things."

"What?" said Elsa.

"First, if you're not famous or gimmicky you can't make a living as a stage magician. Second, back when I was a little girl, dreaming of being on that stage? What I really wanted all along was for a beautiful assistant in gold lamé and fishnets to do whatever I asked. I wasn't a magician, I was just gay." They chuckled, Elsa lowering her eyes and hiding her smile behind her hand. Anna continued, "If you don't mind my asking, and it's none of my business, but…are you?"

"A magician? Me?"

"No, the other thing. I mean, the happy couple obviously are, and I'm guessing your guests are. Those two for sure," said Anna, nodding at Ariel and Jane, who were making out on the couch next to a dozing Aurora. "But you, there's a distance, and I don't know if you're not interested, or… Hey. Like I said, it's none of my business."

"No, no, it's just—"

Elsa didn't get a chance to explain what it just was as Snow popped up, her eyes shining, her breath smelling of vodka and Calvados. "Listen. Magnificent Anna. I just gotta know. Your magic. I know a lot of it was, you know, pestergitation and stuff. But you couldn't have done all that with…that. So tell me. Do you have _real_ magic?"

The warm smile that Anna had been shining on Elsa was now shining on Snow. "Do you mean, like psychic powers?"

Snow's eyes grew wide. "You _do_ , don't you. That is so amazing. I knew it. It is real, isn't it?"

Elsa folded her arms around herself.

"I have a good feeling about you," Anna said to Snow. She took Snow's hand and closed her eyes in thought. "I think you may have psychic abilities, too. I wouldn't be surprised if you were just as psychic as I am." Snow gazed adoringly at Anna. "Do you want to find out?"

Snow didn't let go of Anna's hand. "Yes. Please. I would love to do the thing with you."

"Okay then." Anna stood. She looked at Elsa, still seated. "You, too. Tell me, Elsa." She fixed Elsa with her gaze. "Do you believe in magic?"

Elsa had been feeling that distance Anna had talked about. But there was something challenging in those teal eyes, something both teasing and inviting. It felt to Elsa like there was something hidden in that question. She wasn't sure what Anna's game was, but she wanted to find out. And she suspected Anna wanted her to find out, as well. "Do I believe in magic?" She grinned a defiant challenge back at Anna. "Define 'magic'."

Anna smiled back and seated them both at a small table, fetching a deck of cards and sitting between them. She riffled the deck and divided it into two piles, setting one face down in front of each of them. She turned to Elsa. "Paying attention?"

"You bet."

Anna turned to Snow. She took Snow's hand and placed it on the top of the stack of cards, her own hand remaining on top of Snow's. "I want you to trust your feelings. Listen to them. Believe in them, like I believe in you." Snow nodded, slack-jawed with admiration. "I want you to take these cards and discard them, one at a time. But if you feel like it's a black card, flip it over. Now, don't worry. I don't expect you to find all the black cards in the deck. Don't force yourself. But if you get that feeling, if it feels right to you, flip the card over and we'll see if it's really black or not. Okay?" Snow nodded.

Anna turned to Elsa. "I want you to do the same thing, but with red cards. If it feels like it's red, turn it over. Otherwise, discard." She sat back. "Snow, you go first."

Snow and Elsa alternated, both discarding the first couple of cards. Snow hesitated, tensed, then flipped a card.

 _Ten of clubs._ Snow relaxed, letting out the breath she was holding.

"There! You see?" said Anna.

Elsa tried to "feel" if her cards were red. She felt awkward and a little silly, especially since she believed it was impossible. More out of experimentation than confidence, she turned a card.

 _Three of diamonds._

"Good work, Elsa!" said Anna.

"Cool!" said Snow.

Elsa glared accusingly at the card, as if it were up to something. _One in two odds. No big deal._

They both proceeded. To Snow's mounting excitement and Elsa's growing unease, every single time Snow flipped a card it was black, and every time Elsa chose to flip a card it was red. Elsa kept a running tally of the odds of it happening by chance. She was up to 4,096 to 1.

Snow was bouncing in her chair. Elsa sat back and looked at Anna, confused and unsettled. _Could it be real?_

"Well, Elsa?" said Anna. "Do you believe in magic?" Anna seemed to be trying to convince Elsa that she had psychic powers, but there was something else in Anna's expression. Challenging Elsa, but at the same time cheering her on. Which was odd, considering how much attention she was paying to Snow, and how much Snow was paying to her.

Elsa stared at the deck as Anna focused all her attention on the smitten Snow. A thought tickled Elsa's brain but wouldn't quite condense into words. She flipped a card. Two of hearts. She flipped the next card. Ace of diamonds. She flipped card after card, without discarding. _Seven of diamonds. Five of diamonds. Jack of hearts._ _Eight of diamonds. Four of hearts._ _Red. Red. Red. Red. Red_. "Anna?" she said, her blue eyes gazing levelly into Anna's teal ones, not even looking at the cards as she kept flipping them over.

She got it. Anna had riffled the cards but not shuffled them, then she had given all the black ones to Snow and the red ones to Elsa.

Anna turned her back on Snow and her proud grin for Elsa went from ear to ear. Elsa's stern expression crumbled into a conspiratorial grin.

"Clever girl," said Anna.

"Back at you. Tease." Elsa spread out her cards and pulled out the Queen of Hearts. "So. Is… _this_ your card?"

"Yes it is," said Anna. She delicately removed the card she had tucked into Elsa's pocket before, when she was handing out cheesecake photos of herself, to reveal that this one alone had Anna's phone number on it. "And this is yours."


End file.
